Monday, September 13, 2010

How can we move forward if we're always looking back?

We took the kids to the park the other day. Big "L" said something that really hit me. He was pushing "A" on the swing, she was having a hard time remembering that she couldn't keep looking backwards!  :)  He gently offered to her "You cant keep looking backwards if you want to go forward."

That tiny little sentence hit me so hard,  I felt as though I had been knocked over. I instantly started thinking at the many things we have dealt with, the past two years in particular had been extremely tough. I thought about how I have personally spent a lot of time dwelling on what has happened. Being quick to tell others to deal with things and move on but not being so quick to take my own advice. (last post ring a bell?)

How could I emotionally let go of things that Ive held onto for so long? How can I just walk away from the web Ive built myself into? Learning to let go and walk away from it all seems like such a hard thing to do, until I realized it didn't have to be that way. I reminded myself that I have a beautiful life and I need to be thankful for that. I need to put my focus where it deserves to be placed. On the here and now. On my amazing husband and two children. On the future we are building together.

I knew it had to be now,  I told myself look forward, don't look back. Take the big scary leap into the unknown.  Don't let the hurt, pain, confusion....any of it get in your way. Look forward to a bright new day. Remind yourself that if you let go of it then it cant hurt you anymore. The past is just that, the past. Tomorrow really is a new day, a fresh start.

Since doing so Ive found my days to be brighter, happier. Not that they weren't happy before, but now they are even better. The weight that has been lifted off my shoulders is tremendous. I feel like a brand new person. Most importantly I feel like I am giving my all to not only myself, but my family. Nothing makes me feel better and more rewarded then that.

Growing emotionally takes time and effort. Hard work that you cant give up on or you will most likely fail. It doesn't come easy, and will most definately take time. With a little advice from my husband though, I found that it might not be as hard as it seems. If you continue to look forward towards the future then looking backwards will be a thing of the past.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Easier said then done....or maybe not!

I woke up today feeling great. After about a week of being sick I had finally come out of being "under the weather"..... We got out of bed, got the kids fed breakfast and then off I went to go bake in the "sun"! Oh, how I love my "light therapy" mommy time. On my way I stopped to pick up the mail. Mistake #1. I open the mailbox and there in that tiny little space is a very very big dreaded letter from.....gasp......our Lawyer.

We only hear from her when Mr. "X" is pulling some stupid stunt. I wont go into too much detail as its not worth the pain of typing it down but as I'm sure you are guessing, Mr. "X" is just that, an ex. A horrible person who only looks out for himself, harming others when he wants and using them when it suits him. If you think I'm being harsh, trust me, I'm not.

The letter instantly put me into a horrible foul mood. Mistake #2.  Panic shooting all over inside me. It was a race to get back to the car to see what was inside. Ripping open the letter to read that he wants his monetary "donation"  for little "A" to be reduced. Why??? Cause he's unable to find employment after quitting his last job. I sit there for a minute stunned. Ive lost all memory of my happy carefree mood. Sitting there for a moment longer I think well there goes tanning. I'm just too upset to be bothered to go. Almost mistake #3 until I tell myself that I should go.

I walked into the tanning salon trying with all my heart to not look grumpy and push my foul mood onto anyone undeserving. Off to the room to slather on my lotion and crawl into the "bed" to disapear for a moment in time. As I was getting ready I overheard one of the girls say to everyone that she was getting married today. I couldn't help but smile a little as I thought of the day I married Big "L". It was the greatest day of my life, one I will never forget!

They were asking her where the wedding was going to be. As she told them they all chimed in at the same time saying "Indoor's I hope"??? She replied in such a happy voice "Nope, its going to be outdoors no matter what"!! They must of all looked at her like she was crazy as it had been raining most of the morning.  She went on to tell them that she was going to have her perfect wedding with or without the weathers cooperation.

At this point I jumped in the "bed" attempting to let my mind take a little nap but I couldn't help but think about how positive this girl was being. She could have very easily been upset. She could of made such a big fuss out of how things weren't going her way. Instead she saw the better side. She wasn't going to let anything get in her way.

It occurred to me that I was letting Mr. "X" control my day. Letting him "win". I realized that while things might not always go your way you can have some control over the situation. You can choose to let it get you down, or you can pick yourself up and make the most of it. Something I seem to be better at telling then doing.

So Ive spent most of the day today telling little "A" she can do it! No matter what it is if you just put your mind to it you can achieve it!  I need to not only encourage my family to be the best they can be and believe in themselves but also I need to remind myself that even though things sometimes look dark and depressing there is always a brighter side to be found.

For most people its easier to tell someone what to do then it is to follow their own advice. This time though, I'm not going to make those mistakes. I'm going to remember its just as easy to say as it is to do!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Take time to make time....

Ive looked at "L's" half made blankee several times today. Same thought keeps coming to mind......"When am I EVER going to find the time to finish this?" 

I started the blankee a little under a year ago when my hubby Big "L" and I found out our family of three would soon be a family of four! I think it was one of the first things I did, right after I jumped up and down a million times screaming "I'm P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T"  to just about anybody and everybody that would listen and even those that wouldn't. :)

This blankee reminds me that no matter how many times that I tell myself each day that I am going to make myself find the time to work on it I never do. Why? Well, lets see.....there's that pile of laundry in the corner that is never ending, dishes that are always needing to be done, floors that need to be vacuumed/mopped, breakfast, lunches, and dinners, a big brown puppy that is begging to be played with, and last but not certainly not least my beautiful family that comes before all of this and the time, attention, and love that goes into each moment I am with them.

I feel like Ive forgotten someone on that list. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention ME!! That's right, ME! I don't have time for myself. Maybe I should rephrase that. I don't MAKE time for myself. I'm sure this is a common problem for most people. Work, school, family, personal commitments always getting put first before some good old relaxation time. Do we even know what relaxation means anymore?

I thought with our daughter "A" back in school it would mean a little time for Big "L" and I to relax, and just oh I don't know maybe sit on the couch and breathe!!! Hmmmmm, what fantasy land was I living in?? For just a few hours each day we cant even find 10 minutes, not even 5 minutes to sit down and have a cup of tea together. Catch up on some "us" time. Not to say that we don't have "us" time, its just that our version of it is filled with two beautiful children begging for our attention.

Now, I'm not complaining about that whatsoever! I don't know what I would do without them in my life. They are what keeps my heart beating, keeps that smile on my face, what reminds me just how much I am loved and needed. I also know though that without some "me" time I cant be my best for them. I need some time to just be able to do what I need to do/want to do for a few minutes each day. Just like our cell phones need to be charged so do we from time to time. We need that energy put back into us so we can be ourselves. Be able to offer our best to those we love.

This is how Ive come to the realization that its OK to say no once in a while. Its OK to say can you watch the kids so I can go have 10 minutes to read a chapter in a book, catch up on emails, or maybe just maybe finish that blankee for my beautiful little "L".   :)

Heres to my new journey!

Well, here it first post. Sitting here has got me wondering how I will find the time to write all I have to say???? Knowing me Im sure I'll manage  ;)